W12, #1: Revise Your 1984 In-Class Essay

If you do this entry, please include all of the following:

1.  Type in your original introduction or conclusion fully from the most recent in-class essay over 1984.
2.  Identify the #1 change you want to make -- be specific.
3.  Type in your revised intro or conclusion fully.

Comments

[Student #1]

1. Original Introduction:
Winston trust O’Brien because of O’Brien’s ability to seem interested and agree with the party, then still have a secret life without being vaporized. He is the person Winston wants to be.

2. #1 Change:
The main change I would make in my intro, would be to expand my ideas more to make it longer and make sure everything I was trying say came across clear.

3. Revised Introduction:
Winston trusted O’Brien because of O’Brien’s ability to remain so high up in the party but really hold a secret life without being caught by the thought-police. Because of this, Winston learns to trust who O’Brien appears to be. Winston stops doubting O’Brien, and realizes O’Brien is the person he wants to be. The person who can live two lives and never be vaporized.

[Student #2]

Original intro:
Winston’s belief that he would ultimately be caught no matter what he did enabled him to convince himself to trust O’Brien. Winston knew he was rebelling against the Party but somehow that didn’t stop him. It all gets serious when Big Brother becomes suspicious of Winston. Little did he know he was being watched by O’Brien, a member of the ‘Ministry of Love’ and the ‘inner party’.

#1 change:
I would like to make my transition smoother and clearer.
I think that the third sentence is unnecessary and confuses the reader so I am going to take it out.

Revised intro:
Winston’s belief that he would ultimately be caught no matter what he did enabled him to convince himself to trust O’Brien. Winston knew he was rebelling against the Party but somehow that didn’t stop him. Little did he know he was being watched by O’Brien, a member of the ‘Ministry of Love’ and the ‘inner party’.

[Student #3]

Original Intro:
Winston lives in a world in which anything can have a different, and completely opposite viewpoint. Winston, interested in rebellious activities, was so drawn to the movement because “anything that hinted a corruption filled him with hope.” (pg. 125) Winston trusted O’Brien because he stood for all Winston wanted to be, and propaganda spreading words of hate towards thoughtcriminals only drew Winston nearer to O’Brien.

Change:
While some of the wording in this paragraph is not as effective as it could be, the biggest change I would make would be to either change or eliminate the first sentence, because it doesn’t relate to the rest of the paragraph.

Revised Intro:
Winston, interested in rebellious activities, was drawn to the rebellion because “anything that hinted at corruption filled him with hope.” (pg. 125) Winston trusted O’Brien because he stood for all Winston wanted to be, and propaganda spreading words of hate towards thought criminals only drew him nearer to O’Brien. Winston saw O’Brien as the missing link between himself and rebellion, but he failed to step back and see the big picture. Winston’s ignorance allowed O’Brien to successfully lead him down a road that led to nowhere but conspiracy.

[Student #4]

Original Intro:
Winston was a strong intelligent man who always had rebellion on his mind. The reason Winston had so much trust in O'Brien was because he thought he had found someone exactly like him, someone who hated the party and wanted to bring Big Brother down. If only Winston would have looked upon O'Briens actions a little more clearly he could have realized that O'Brien wasn't truly on their side.

Change:
I would change that i mentioned how Winston was "strong". Winston isn't truly strong mentally or physically. While writing the essay it didn't occur to me the true meaning of the word. Now truly looking at it i would take it out. For the rest of the intro i thought it was very strong and i wouldn't change anything else.

Revised Intro:
Winston was an intelligent man who always had rebellion on his mind. The reason Winston had so much trust in O'Brien was because he thought he had found someone exactly like him, someone who hated the party and wanted to bring Big Brother down. If only Winston would have looked upon O'Briens actions a little more clearly he could have realized that O'Brien wasn't truly on their side.

[Student #5]

Original intro: Paperweight is just one of the old thing Winston bought that from the secondhand store. But for Winston that not easy look like a paperweight. That's a whole imagination world of Winston. And Orwell chose to smash the paperweight when the police arrive. Because he want to make Winston free.

Change: I would to apply some more detail and explain about my answer was Winston will be free when the paperweight is smash.

Revised intro: Paperweight is just one of the old things Winston bought from the secondhand store. But that have an important position in Winston mind because that’s a whole imagination world of him. And Orwell chose to smash the paperweight when the police arrive because he wants to make Winston free. For Winston the paperweight was the violent world of Big Brother and him now living. He looks like the coral in the paperweight and can’t get outside of that because those cover. Now Orwell make a detail a paperweight was smash and that make a cover was breaks and Winston was the coral absolutely is free.